Jean x Horse (Crackfic)
by Theodore is Rice
Summary: Jean has always loved the chestnut stallion that resided in the fifth stall. The stallion has always returned these feelings. Jean has been thinking of proposing to the horse; the horse that has captured his heart for all time. And so, their tale is told. (WHY AM I UPLOADING THIS OH MY GOD I AM CRINGING)
1. Chapter 1

_Jean walked up to the chestnut stallion that stood waiting in the barn. "Hey..." He greeted it._

 _Jean put a hand on the horse's muzzle and the stallion leaned into the touch._

 _He stroked the horse's mane and smiled slightly when it whinnied._

 _The two-toned man wrapped his arms around the stallion's mane._

 _"One day..."_

 _"I love you," he said to the horse._

 _And he walked away._


	2. Chapter 2

**Okay, you guys. I decided to continue this... thing, whatever it is.**

* * *

 _It was the next day, and the chestnut stallion was happy to see his beloved Jean walking into the barn with an armful of hay._

 _The stallion whinnied happily as his owner filled the feed-bag hanging in his stall... Jean always took care of him._

 _"Good morning," came the soft voice. Jean's greeting was accompanied with a warm smile and a loving pat on the back._

 _The chestnut stallion nudged Jean's shoulder lovingly and was rewarded by a laugh that was music to his ears._

 ** _I love you, too,_** _thought the stallion._

 _And even though the two-toned man couldn't hear the confession, he knew that he loved the horse, too._


	3. Chapter 3

**AYYY LMAO HERE'S CHAPTER THREE**

* * *

 _Jean sat on the horse's back and smiled. It was good to ride the horse. It was always a relaxing experience. The chestnut stallion underneath him seemed to return the feelings, as he was going at a comfortable pace._

 _The two were riding around in the plains by themselves. It was, for Jean, stress-relieving. What else was better than spending time with the horse you loved?_

 _After about half an hour of riding, Jean dismounted near a stream and stretched his legs out._

 _His stomach was rumbling, too, so he decided to stop and have lunch with the stallion._

 _Jean scarfed a few sandwiches down, fed his horse, and let him drink from the stream._

 _The two-toned man had originally planned on staying out a little longer, but he was tired._

 _The two arrived back at the stable and Jean, after putting away the stallion's gear, wrapped his arms around the stallion's neck._

 _He made a daring move, planting a kiss on the horse's muzzle._

 _"I love you..."_

* * *

 **Leave reviews please. Haaaaa bye. *shoots myself in the face***


	4. Chapter 4

**In which Jean has struggles with his plans for the future.**

* * *

 _It was an extremely difficult decision… But Jean had decided that it was for the best. The two-toned man sat on his bed and stared at the box in front of him._

 _Inside the reddish-brown box was a large ring topped with an apple._

 _The band was gold and adorned with intricate swirls; it was much larger than an ordinary wedding ring. Instead of a diamond at the top, one large green apple sat in the place a diamond would usually occupy._

 _Jean thought that it was appropriate._

 _However, the brown-eyed man had his doubts. What if the stallion rejected him? If that happened…_

 _It hurt Jean's heart to even think about that._

 _But if he hesitated, there was the chance that he never would know if the horse would accept his feelings or not. Jean sucked in a deep breath and made up his mind._

 _He would propose, and he would do it now._

* * *

 **Don't hate me, you guys.**

 **Jean belongs with the horse.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Jean's going to propose you guys just wait and see**

* * *

 _Jean walked into the stable, ring behind his back._

" _H- Hey…"_

 _The horse saw that his precious was hiding something. Was it, perhaps, a carrot? Or… could it be? A pack of sugar cubes?_

 _Jean unlocked the stall door and led his stallion out. He stood directly in front of the horse and blushed._

 _"I- I have something for you."_

 _He knelt down and brought the ring up, holding it out in front of him._

" _I've loved you for a long time, and I feel so strongly about you… Please… Will you marry me?"_

 _The chestnut stallion stared at Jean. Was- was this real? It was even better than sugar cubes. His precious Jean would be with him forever?_

 _The horse bobbed his head- the motion was reminiscent of a nod. The French Trotter moved forward and ate the apple off of the ring (Jean was so considerate. An apple was better than a diamond)._

 _Jean stood up, tears in his golden-brown eyes. "R- Really?" When the horse gave another affirmative nod, Jean threw his arms around the horse's neck._

 _"I love you!"_

 _He hung the ring on a peg next to the stall door and turned back to his love._

 _They would be together forever now._

* * *

 **What the fuck. I can't believe I actually did this.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Don't follow in my footsteps.**

* * *

 _Jean walked up to a bush and cleared his throat._

 _A green frog hopped out of it, looking slightly disgruntled. "Who the f- Oh! It's you. Horse-kid. What brings you here?"_

 _Jean rolled his eyes at the nickname, but didn't comment. There was a more pressing matter at hand._

" _I need a person to perform a wedding ceremony."_

 _The frog inspected one of its webbed feet, much like a human would do with his or her hand. "Well, luckily for you, I happen to be the exact frog for this job." The amphibian paused. "If I may ask, whose wedding is this?"_

 _Jean blushed slightly. "Mine- Mine and the horse's."_

 _The frog nodded in approval. "You've found a good partner, kid."_

" _Thanks." Jean tapped his foot on the ground. "So… you'll do it?"_

" _Of course I will, kid. When and where?"_

" _Well… We were thinking maybe tomorrow, at eight o'clock in the morning." The two-toned man paused. "If it's okay with you," Jean added hastily._

" _That seems good. Alright, kid, see you then."_

* * *

 **They're getting married next chapter.**


	7. Chapter 7

**MARRIAGE TIME**

* * *

 _Jean smiled. The stage was set._

 _The stable was being used as the marriage hall, and the brunet had decorated it with white flowers and apples (He was sure that the horse would appreciate it). A podium sat at the end of the long building for the frog to sit on._

 _Everything was ready._

 _Jean heard a familiar croak and ran to the door. "Hey, man. Thanks again for doing this."_

" _Like I said, kid. No problem." The frog hopped over to the podium and sat on it. "Let's do this."_

 _Jean nodded and unlocked his horse's stall. He had wanted to walk up with his soon-to-be husband_ **(A/N: I have no fucking idea, so let's go with husband, okay?)** _. The two-toned man was ecstatic._

 _His beautiful chestnut stallion walked out and nuzzled Jean's arm. The brunet blushed and started walking. The horse had to slow down to keep pace with Jean, but the stallion didn't mind._

 _Just being with Jean was good enough for him._

 _Halfway to the podium, Jean stepped on something and almost tripped. A loud snap sounded and the golden-eyed man stopped in his tracks._

 _He had stepped on a chopstick. The utensil now lay on the stable floor, snapped in half. It looked quite sad, actually._

 _Jean shrugged it off and kept walking. The horse had stopped when he stepped on the chopstick, but now it resumed its pace._

 _The two reached the frog and faced each other._

" _Now," the amphibian started, "I'm going to skip all of that technical bullshit and just say it straight. Do you, Jean, take this horse as your lawful wedded husband?"_

" _I do."_

" _Do you, stallion, take Jean as your lawful wedded husband?"_

 _The horse nodded._

" _Then I pronounce you man and horse. You may kiss the horse." The last bit was directed as Jean._

 _The brunet leaned up, hugging the horse's neck, and planted a kiss on its muzzle._

 _The horse whinnied happily._

 _Now the two could be closer in a way they hadn't been before._

* * *

 **I'm sorry for that chopstick bit.**

 **Not.**

 **ANYWAY, THE HONEYMOON MIGHT BE A LITTLE DRUGGY/FRUGGY. JUST WARNING YOU.**


	8. Chapter 8

**M'KAY I'M WRITING THE HONEYMOON SOMETIME ELSE**

 **HERE. HAVE THIS INSTEAD.**

* * *

 _Jean and the stallion had decided to take in a foal. Since they obviously couldn't reproduce, Jean had suggested adopting a rescue foal._

 _The horse had responded positively._

 _At the moment, Jean was walking up to the clinic. He pushed open the door and walked up to the counter. The teenager behind the counter was messing with her phone. Offhandedly, Jean asked her what she was playing._

 _"Oh, it's called Neko Atsume." She turned the phone toward him and he saw a yard with a few cats in it on the screen. "I can't stop playing it-"_

 _A faint voice could be heard from the back room. "Are you playing that stupid cat game again?!"_

 _The girl rolled her eyes. "Don't mind him. I'm Lindsey. How can I help you?"_

 _Jean hummed. "I called about two weeks ago. I'm planning to take in a rescue foal."_

" _Oh- Matt told me about that." She walked over to a side door and opened it. "Our foals are back here."_

 _The door opened to reveal a field and stable. Lindsey unlocked the stable's doors and led him inside. She glanced back at him. "Currently, two fillies and a colt are in our care."_

 _Jean walked up to one of the occupied stalls._

 _"That's the colt," Lindsey indicated. The horse had a strawberry roan coat and, from the way it gazed up at Jean, a gentle attitude._

 _Jean knew that he wanted the little colt immediately._

" _I'd like to adopt this one."_

 _Lindsey nodded. "Alright then. You have a horse trailer, right?"_

" _Of course."_

 _The two helped the colt into the trailer, Jean paid a small price for the small horse, and off they went._

 _Jean wouldn't stop smiling for the whole ride home._

* * *

 **ALL RIGHT HERE**

 ***has Come Out and Play on loop***


	9. Chapter 9

**And now, the long-awaited honeymoon. Takes place _before_ the previous chapter. Not even as druggy as I wanted it to be.**

* * *

 _Jean and his stallion were sitting in a hot tub, just relaxing._

 _Actually, the hot tub resembled a small swimming pool; the stallion wouldn't fit in a regular tub._

" _Hey…" Jean said quietly._

 _The chestnut stallion turned his head and whinnied lowly. Jean took that as an invitation to continue._

" _I've been thinking. We should… Adopt a foal." The two-toned brunet cautiously looked at the stallion, fearing rejection._

 _Instead, the horse neighed loudly, its eyes twinkling._

 _Jean broke into a smile. "R- Really?!" He swam the short distance between him and his love and threw his arms around the horse's neck. "Thank you!"_

* * *

 _Jean sighed in pleasure as the stallion's hooves massaged his back. **(A/N: This sounded really dirty at first, didn't it?** **)** Maybe it wasn't the safest thing to do, but it felt so good. Besides, the horse would never hurt him on purpose._

 _They loved each other too much._

 _This went on for about five minutes until the stallion's hooves put increasing pressure on Jean's back._

" _Agh! Stop-"_

 _His words were cut off when a scream was ripped out of his mouth, accompanied by a loud snap._

 _The stallion had fucked up._

* * *

 _A few weeks later, Jean's back had fully healed. Nobody knew what kind of miraculous event had occurred, but the only thing that mattered was that Jean was okay._

 _They were going to adopt a foal._

* * *

 **oH mY GOD IM CRYINF WHY DID I DO THIS**

 **H E L P**


	10. Chapter 10

**HA BONUS CHAPTER. THIS STORY WAS OVER?**

 **YOU THOUGHT, BITCHES**

* * *

 _"But... It's... It's so big!" The surprised explanation was followed by an indignant neigh._

 _"I know, I know... I love you too... But I don't think I can fit it all in!"_

 _This was, again, followed by an angry neigh._

 _"Fine! If I break my ass, you're going down with me!"_

 _Jean inhaled sharply and lowered himself._

 _"DAMNFUCKINGHELLBITCHASSFUCKFUCKWHYDIDIDOTHISFUCKINGFUCKBITCHINGSHITGODDAMNCUNTFUCK!"_

* * *

 **u thought**


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